Ever since Mommy yanked you out from hiding behind her and told you to look people in the eyes, you’ve known how crucial good eye contact is. In the Western world, it signifies honesty, respect, interest, intelligence, candor, and confidence. Yet, for many, the most difficult aspect of meeting people is looking into their eyes long enough to really connect with them. Why is this a challenge, even for some self- assured people? Because, like tigers staring each other down in the jungle, intense eye contact ignites a primitive fight-or- flight instinct.
If the tiger looks away, it could get pounced on. Weak eye contact is a handicap in the human jungle, too. Here is a ten-step physical therapy program to strengthen your eye contact. While gazing at someone, slowly describe the color of her eyes to yourself. Don’t stop at blue or brown, light to dark. Th ere are sapphire, pale, and ice blue eyes. Brown eyes can be hazel, almond, or earthy. Grey can range from light slate to dark storm cloud. Sometimes we’ve known people for years and can’t accurately describe their eye color.
Think of half a dozen friends. Can you picture the precise color of their eyes? Th e second time you look at the same person, check out the shape of her eyes. Are they round? Oval? Almond? How much of the whites of her eyes are showing? And how white are they? A bit bloodshot?
Here is another crutch for the “eye-contact challenged”: Study how far apart her eyes are. Ask yourself, “If she loaned me her binoculars, would I have to separate the eyepieces or bring them together?” Are her eyes symmetrical? Is one eye a little smaller or droopier than the other? Another time, concentrate on the length of her eyelashes. Are they straight? Curly? What color are they? When you are with a small group, watch each person’s eyes to determine whom he is looking at most.
When extended eye contact is called for, such as when someone is speaking, count his blinks. A study reported in the Journal of Research in Personality called “The Effects of Mutual Gaze on Feelings of Romantic Love” proved that people who were directed to count each other’s eye blinks during a conversation developed stronger romantic feelings than members of a control group who were given no eye contact directions.
Here are a few more ways to train yourself to become comfortable with maintaining excellent eye contact. Try to determine if he is wearing contact lenses. And are the lenses colored or clear? If he is wearing glasses, are his eyes in the center of the frame? A bit above? A bit below? Are they bifocals? Th is last one is for women only. Determine how much eye makeup another female is wearing. Mascara? Shadow? Eyeliner? (Stop laughing, gentlemen, we women do that naturally.) If you practice these ten techniques, looking into some- one’s eyes will gradually become more natural and less daunting, without depending on these crutches.
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